Alright, time to get back in business. We’ve been getting high and fucking about 4 times a week, maybe. Many of them have been best nights ever. Probably five or six of then in the last month or so. The nights have not been as long, some have, but we’re a lot more likely to call it a night after 90 minutes, 2 hours, 2.5 hours. In fact last night it was maybe an hour, and the night before that was probably 2.5 hours. That night was amazing. She came while sucking my dick, which I can’t imagine is something that a lot of men get to enjoy–and I will never fail to count my blessings. Last night was great for 40 minutes, then I crapped out, falling asleep with my finger on her clit. She didn’t complain; I think she was nearly as sleepy.
I want to talk more about this, though. I posted about this in November; the longer I go without, the easier and funner the night is, on average. Desire is everything, and desire is, I’m going to argue here, a limited resource. Not that you run out like you can run out of coal. It’s more like running out of hot water while the power’s still on–you can use it up too fast, and then you have to wait for it to come back. “Using it up” for me means coming or to some degree pre-coming. I don’t know if people think about it that way? I mean right now I don’t see any other way to understand it, but when I was younger if I ever lacked desire it was only because of anxiety or because I really shouldn’t be with the person I was with.
I mean, we all know that even college students in their first torrid affair eventually have to stop fucking at some point, but do we relate that to desire? I think we relate it to exhaustion, or maybe your penis or vagina gets raw and needs a break. We don’t say your desire has flagged. In fact that’s alarming, right? The first moment you stop feeling intense, always-on desire for your partner is the first time you wonder if they’re right for you in the long run.
I’m just thinking, a lot of people go from that youthful neverending desire thing to being monogamous and getting bored of their SO, and so I wouldn’t be surprised if they think desire goes away when you attempt to fuck just one person for the rest of your life. And then of course that understanding is reinforced by cheating, which is driven by the desire for desire, and where you think hey look, give me someone new and I’ll start thinking with my dick like I’m 22 again.
The point I’m trying to make is, we often think desire is about the person we’re with or not with, and for sure it is, but I’m here to tell you that you can have the best sex of your life in a monogamous relationship with a person you desire intensely, and you’re still going to overspend that desire once in a while if you’re not 19. I guess there are people who have sex every day even at this age, but I can’t do that. And basically, at least for the last few months, the greatness of our sex is closely related to how much desire is built up in me.
Usually I can do two nights in a row, and sometimes the 2nd night is even better than the first. I may have spent some of my desire pool, but I have the recent memory of all the naughtiness of the night before and that gets and keeps me going. The third night is not usually very good. Have I said this before? Maybe not specifically; the fact is it used to be rare that we went multiple nights in a row. Maybe it was only around this last December it became more regular. That has helped me understand flagging desire better, since it’s happening more often and I have more data points.
Who should care, though, right? We all know that less good sex is still awesome. I just feel bad about how I’m treating myself when I get high and take too much viagra and then we don’t really take full advantage. Apart from that, there’s the getting accustomed thing. Getting high frequently makes dosage harder. I want to give us enough to get us high, but not so much we’re knocked out, and when even the fast-acting gummies take an hour to get going, I can’t really correct a misdosage. If I’ve planned ahead and do them 30-60 minutes apart, it works; I can extend the peak. But if it’s two hours in and I’m not feeling high enough, it’s too late. The new dose kicks in after the first one is wearing out. Anyway I take a shitload of viagra and I can start taking less by not trying to have a big night on nights one of us is going to be too tired. This week (it’s now a few days after I began writing this post, we’ve had two big nights since then) we’re going to try to wait until Friday, after big nights Saturday (I think this was the night I fell asleep with my hand on her clit) and Sunday (really fun, hot, and pretty quick–90 minutes) we’re going to try to wait until Friday, when we have dinner plans and something to celebrate.
Anyway, I was thinking that if desire is something you can use up and run out of, then something physical is happening. There is a chemical or suite of chemicals that affect it. It’s mental, sure, but there’s a physical thing under it. When I first got viagra from a doctor probably 10 years ago, he said “it won’t help with desire–but if you have the desire it will help with getting and staying hard.”
So then I looked, and of course we’re aware of some chemicals (hormones, neurotransmitters) that are known to affect desire, and there’s actually a drug, bremolanotide, that’s marketed as a desire-enhancer for women and affects melanocortins, and tons of active research on that whole class of hormones. But what about men, or something that works on everyone? Would we ever market a desire-enhancer like that?
I guess if I were a biomedical engineer I might hesitate; even if I found a way to artificially increase desire in men, what impact would that have? When my desire pool is overflowing, I start getting turned on by TV ads for Hallmark Channel shows, you know, not known for their sexiness. Would I start wanting to fuck a lot more of the people I see as I go about my day? I think at this point in my life I could handle that, but it would have been thoroughly destructive at other times in my life. Basically, I don’t see a way to take a pill or otherwise alter the concentration of desire-chemicals in my brain that keeps that desire focused on the right person, because desire doesn’t seem to focus like that.
Still, I bet people would buy it. If it was short-acting, you know, kicked in in 30 minutes and wore out in six hours, people could use it safely. It would get approved for that. But if it also worked on women, then there would be a lot of off-label use of the drug, and it would be totally fit for abuse. Scumbags would slip it into women’s drinks (Vyleesi, the brand name for bremolanotide, is an injection so couldn’t work that way). It would be dangerous–current date-rape drugs are about reducing someone’s ability to resist and that’s not consent. But if someone gave you a pill that was more likely to result in you consenting, because your horniness is out of control, what would that mean? I don’t think using it that way will be very effective, because again, desire is not focused, especially not on the scumbag you just met at the bar, but I don’t think that would stop people from trying to use it that way and depending on how dramatic its effect was, it might work a lot of the time.
So, having just proposed a horrifying potential future development, this post has enough in it to be done. See you next time, maybe Saturday, after I’ve had another best night ever.
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